Getting to the bottom of a smelly office

Question:

I finally returned to the office after a long time working from home and, wow, I don’t know if I can go back. There’s a smell that was never there before, and it’s really bad. One of my colleagues described it as “sinful”. I had to go outside for a while because I was going to throw up.

What can I do about this pong?

Answer:

I hate to make assumptions in Work Therapy, but I very much doubt that there is a mundane reason for this smell. I don’t think there’s a dead rat in the wall cavity. I don’t think a pipe is blocked. I don’t think someone spilled milk on a portion of carpet. It sounds to me like something nefarious has taken place during the period when everyone was out of the office and that those responsible for the wickedness weren’t able to totally remove the evidence of their iniquity.

It would be irresponsible and unproductive to guess what kind of activity produced the obscenity, but I’m going to do it anyway. Someone probably tried to summon an evil spirit in the boardroom. (It’s an underreported but quite common practice in corporate environments.) That’s just my best guess, but there is a way to put the matter beyond doubt.

Sometimes, when I was growing up, a foul and mysterious smell would materialise in our house and Mum would yell out “Oh, pwoah! Call the cops!” Mostly I think my mother’s childhood advice was very good (albeit quite brusque), and I think she was broadly correct in her determination that fetors always warrant formal scrutiny. In your case, however, I wouldn’t ring the police. I would instead organise a full-scale private investigation into the matter.

You should lead this investigation. It’s easier than you might think.

First, make some observations. Where is the smell the strongest? Who in the office seems to be reluctant to mention it or downplays it when the subject is brought up in front of them? Has anyone addressed the smell in a formal capacity – perhaps in an email or a printed note on a wall with a passive-aggressive smiley face drawn at the bottom. How would you describe the smell – is it rancid, chemical, vegetal, otherworldly?