‘Worse than physical cheating’: When you lie about money

Clinical psychologist Dr Bill Saunders has seen such damage among his patients. “I’ve got one person who actually bankrupted himself by buying shares that he couldn’t afford,” says Saunders, of the man, a father of two children. “Well, that broke his relationship.”

And while people in every demographic are the victims of financial cheating, Lau says it’s more common among couples who just haven’t “really talked about money at all”, and it’s happening more than we think.

Childhood trauma, too, is sometimes at the root of the problem.

“If you have a very poor childhood, and particularly if you get neglected or abused, you’re more likely as an adult to be impulsive,” says Saunders, an expert in addictive behaviours. “You’ll have great difficulty regulating your appetite, so to speak. So what will happen is that you will impulsively spend money, [behave] impulsive sexually, and so on.” It’s a way to self-soothe, he says. This was the case, he says, of his client who bankrupted his family. “He had a feeling of never being good enough.”

So, how can we protect ourselves?

First, recognise the red flags that indicate it might be happening, says Effie Zahos, a financial literacy expert. They include: receiving late bills and phone calls about unpaid bills, and realising that a partner’s financial statements never come home.

“I had one situation where a woman was sending her credit card statements to a PO box, so her partner didn’t know she had a credit card; she had racked up $50,000 in debt,” says Zahos, the editor-at-large at financial comparison site Canstar. “She wanted to know, would her partner find out about it. Well, yes. If you’re going to go for a home loan, they’re going to do a credit check. She was a spendaholic, spending to fill in a void of depression.”

Loading

People should also note if they – or their partner – feel that the emotional or physical intimacy in the relationship has dwindled. This can lead to people spending behind their partner’s backs, as a means of “escape or avoidance”.

“I’m thinking about one person who was a gambler, and the person had a new baby, and the mother was very involved with the new baby, and he kind of felt left out in the cold, essentially,” says Lau.

But the best way to prevent financial cheating, says Zahos, is to sit down and have an honest chat about money with your partner. Establish what your savings goals are, and what’s acceptable to splurge on. Be involved in your financial affairs by downloading the money app for your bank accounts, so you can monitor your funds. And if you’re nervous about a partner potentially mismanaging joint funds, as with a shared mortgage, ask your bank to arrange for you and your partner to have to both give consent when withdrawing available funds from a home loan.

And, of course, seek help if you think there are deeper issues underlying your own, or your partner’s financial behaviour.

“Often times a partner knows about a [partner’s] traumatic childhood, but they don’t really understand or know the ongoing impact it had,” says Lau.

She has seen couples come out of therapy with a renewed sense of emotional intimacy. “Often, just talking about one area like finances opens up a lot of issues in other areas of the relationship that hasn’t really been spoken about. When they’re able to repair and communicate, they learn things about one another.”

Make the most of your health, relationships, fitness and nutrition with our Live Well newsletter. Get it in your inbox every Monday.